Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
