The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
