While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
