i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
