Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
