There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
