i permit you to call me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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