woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
