There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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