I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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