hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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