he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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