i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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