apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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