I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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