She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
