i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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