just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
