My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
