my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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