I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there's paper in my vomit.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
