Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize