Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
