i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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