i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
