i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
