Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
