I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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