hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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