Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
