My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize