Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
