Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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