so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
