The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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