found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize