Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
