You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
