The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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