i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
im six kinds of drunk right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
