Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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