I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
