when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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