If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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