cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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