so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
