I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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