failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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