Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize