Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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