im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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