I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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