That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize