Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
